im reading this adulterer’s blog and it infuriates me but at the same time, i can completely understand. it’s so fucking ambivalent that im getting even angrier at just how he could love someone and yet feel butterflies for someone else.
it scares me.
because i just saw myself in me. is this how people view adulterers?
my head hurts.
i dont believe in horoscopes, you know? cause it’s like 47 million other people would share the exact same horoscope as you and perhaps another 2 million will share the same birthday meaning you all are supposedly exactly the same, personality and will behave in the same manner. strange, aint it? considering how many people read their horoscopes but then again, everyone wants to be believe that they are each an individual when at the end, we are all the same.
over the past year or so, i think i have learned a lot more, definitely have a more stable outlook on life and established vague directions of my life despite my not so subtle addiction to having dysfunctional relationships and getting myself into trouble.
i turned away to love in the sense, im still very much trying to learn how to love. im very, very, very selfish, esp when situations present themselves in forms of either allowing myself to get hurt or someone else. i dont have much threshold for pain. i envision someone to cater to each of my every needs after realizing people are really rotten right from their core after all. i still believe that people can be “good” due to societal expectations but ultimately, i know we all are rude, selfish and mean creatures.
over the year, really since i started living alone, i learned that
do you think you can find it?
or did you trade it for something?
i think i function better in dysfunctional relationships and situations. i think it’s possible to love and cheat at the same time. i dont put away the possibility of him cheating and even if he did, he would most definitely lie his way through and get out of it. being in a completely monogamous relationship is sometimes so soul-numbing. i never understand the whole concept of love and its explosion and finding meaning in yourself thing. i mean, why cant you have the best of both worlds? be in a relationship where love does exist and yet, you can go out and fuck around senselessly. yes, you would get hurt, you will cry but isnt that what a lot people always say that’s what they want? the freedom of being able to do whatever you want without someone else holding you down but at the same time, you know you’re grounded with your significant other. i dont think mr b will like this much if he reads it but.. i AM in love with him. it’s just.. sometimes, it’s just so much work.. people will never reciprocate the way you want them to, even when you told them how to. we are all creatures of habits.
it’s ok to care. he was looking through my msgs and asked who andrew is, he’s just this guy working in the navy i met while getting caught in the rain, waiting to go clubbing etc. etc. i dont really care much of him looking through my msgs. if it reassures him of my loyalty or infidelity, it doesnt matter. im just being so negative. everything would be alright again when i see him~~ maybe it’s the lack of work, maybe it’s his work stress, maybe it’s the morning, maybe it’s small pieces of glass put together or maybe it’s nothing at all.
it all doesnt matter
cause im not going anywhere.
(i only wanted to begin..)
once again, i’m looking for another job -.-
and i met the most inept service person EVER at subway near my place. i mean, it’s fine with me if you’re a newbie so you may be a little slow but! it doesn’t give you the excuse to not know anything about subway AND not to listen to the customer. i mean if you can’t hear/understand what i was saying, you can always ask. but nooooooo. that guy is fucking incompetent, stupid and lazy. 1. we had to repeat our orders 4 times and to add on!!! he didnt even notice his mistakes. 2. he asked whether we wanted it reg or toasted and we clearly said reg and yet he was about to go toast it. 3. he didn’t know what the works was. 4. he didn’t apologize for his mistakes 5. he didn’t listen or pay attention or whatever. 6. due to his stupidity, he made 2 mistakes at the start of making the sandwich; he broke the bread AND he added the wrong meat. 7. his wrapping sucks. at the end of it all, he STILL managed to add the wrong sauce, so we decided to be nice and not tell him and give him a break. i should have told him to scrap it off and add the right one.
fucking hell. i wanted to stab him or at least throw my subway back at his face and ask him to make me another one which was exactly what i wanted most incompetent service person ever. im not going to patronize subway when i see him.
sooo.. the 7 quirks.
and write people msgs on themwas thinking about death last night again, scared the shit out of me that i was hesitant about sleeping. you know, the whole thinking about the future thing, how will i be like, where the hell will i be. fuck, how does it feel to die. and shit. where do i go? will i have any conscious at all?! im getting all paranoid and shit. it’s so bad cause it really scares me and then i start to stress out.
over the weekend, we went out to the city to find more street arts and we did and i suck at pool. and oh. baking muffins too. but i blame mr b for half of the mess we created cause he was the one who told me to add the perservatives or whatever the liquid is that was in the can with the blueberries. it’s almost like fear factor food.
pretty disgusting, yea?
