edge of my seat: no longer a hungry caterpillar

i dont understand why people cant accept me to be this.
i was really ok with how i look and weigh and didnt fall into the whole bs diet/media crap

but.
they make me feel like this
and i honestly believe i do look like this (or these)

eating makes me happy.

but it makes me feel like a deviant

and now, i have to be this.

is this happiness?
will that make you happy?

*notes of life.
i gained 5-8 kgs over the past year.
i eat more than my boyf
im very acutely aware of how fat im. i dont need you to point it out and humiliate me with it
my dad thought i was preggers. was it really that bad?
why is every fucking girl in spore so damn skinny?
my mom tells me being fat can be a reason to be used by men to end the r/s and cheat.
people telling me i’ve gained weight. etc. have a fat face. etc. etc.

End Note: thank you very much for the love.

wtf.

this customer comes in and orders a skinny hot chocolate and emphasized on making it skinny cause she is allergic to full cream milk?!?! WTF. the only difference between a skim and full cream is the amount of fat.

im working tmr, starting at 6.30am so i gotta wake up at 5.30.. and starting at 6am on friday! i hope there is no freak winds again. the winds were so freakishly scary last night, it woke me up at 3am, i thought the windows were gonna break and cut my face cause i live in an really old building. living in this apartment can be a constant tip-toeing. i freak out wayyyy too much.

Fat.

Acutely Awared

Friendships
as july approaches, i realized how disconnected i have been with the world, people i know. i havent spoken to christine for ages or really anyone from spore due to the lack of internet. but im so acutely aware of my empty social circles. i havent really hung out with anyone for ages.. or really done anything girly. god. the love of my life is such a bad shopping partner. he cant replace a girlie shopper. ever. i dont know. it’s this feeling that i know that i will probably stay at home loads cause i havent been active and people have long placed me at the furtherest shelf. it’s strange how people just eventually fades out of your life without being noticed and you realized that you dont really miss them because they will never really part of your life in the first place.

My Heart’s True Desire
he is honestly THE best person ever. i love him crazy. insanely. and i still want him more than anyone in this world. he’s my love, my heart, my home, my world, my everything.

The Linksys Call Center
fuck. they are fucking dumbasses. the “help” gotten are just stupid scripts read from their tech support website and instead of connecting us to the internet (cause we had problems connecting wirelessly, not through lan), they took us through a whole series of stupid steps and a stupid survey and disconnected us from the internet. they have wasted 40 mins of my int’l calling credits. even the manager is a dipshit and decided that good customer service was to hang up on us midway. what the fuck are they doing? im most prob sure they must been high on pot. assholes.

i love living with my stinky boy

i love living with my stinky boy

i’ve been really sick for the past couple of days.. ugh.

hopefully, i will be well soon for the much needed partying this weekend. woo-hoo!