Headspin

i feel like im at the ends of a spectrum, not going anywhere. people keep telling me it’s not too late but it is. i cant change my degree because: 1. my parents cant afford it and clearly, i cant afford it either, 2. the melb model is taking out early childhood education. im looking into doing childcare, prep school or going into things like dealing with children during interventions/unhealthy families. unfortunately, because i honestly believe that with the right parenting skills, one can nurture a child into a productive, healthy individual; meaning: he/she doesnt create or bring any conflict to the community, relationships etc.. and is at peace with oneself and understands his/her emotional processes and understands how to deal with it. as a result, we all become a productive and understanding society.  the upbringing of a child shapes the personality and the choices the child makes in the future.

clearly, i have a very romantic view of society which unfortunately is really pieces of broken glass. just like all the plates broken today at work. one piece of glass even hit one of the barista’s eyes.

for some crazy unknown reasons, i had been remembering all things about benkhoo.
devils/family arguments/bringing cakes from coffeebean/surprise at the door/cats/computer
games/sleep/lol, the funny thing benkhoo did when i went over and he was sleeping
and then waking him up and the blowing out air from his mouth/really just about everything
about benkhoo

but i can confidently say this time, it’s not love, just memories of love.

cookies, stained sheets and love

apparently according to The Boy, the place which im gonna get my tattoo at is a tramp stamp. yes tell me wtf. saturday night was mostly awesome. sometimes i feel or think that i might be addicted to it but im pretty sure my addiction to The Boy and sex are more lethal and oh, instant noodles.

with the whole drama going on with The Boy and his friends, im dealing with none on my own; besides the usual
- samy trying to miss her flight
- the whole joke with samy and shawn. god. people can be so fucking stupid. lmao.
- dee and the whole kissing episode
- the wed mos night. bad cheryl, bad. a first and last.
- I LOVE SARAH AND LENNE! sarah; we need to actually not trim/shave/cut/whatsoever. the next trip when i head back. lenne; im awaiting. kiss kiss.
- calling ZY an asshole which he really was. it’s pathetic to see him to try and defend himself
- having the moment with irvin.
- finally breaking off with ben
- the thing with alvin.
- im sorry D.! haha. and that wed night, i mistook you for someone else that’s why i sent you semi rubbish smses. lol but i was still sober. just that i often have memory lapses with life and i didnt get back to you cause i got totally trashed after that.
- no bday sex for alvin; god i know too many people with all the same names that’s why i keep messing them up, thinking one is the other. lol.
- the summer hookup gone wrong with JY
- realizing me and LS aint all that close really..
- barely talking to my Father at all. best r/s would be long distance where all forms of communications are not needed unless necessary.

i think there is something very wrong with me.
i want you.
i want him.
i want it.

when dawn breaks

once again, i watch the color of dawn break into the skies; i hear the first bus rumble, the first train run, the smell of the morning air and the sounds of my darlings breathe and slumber. i feel very whole; complete.

i often question about life and its curiosities, indifferences and everything in between.

but you know what? as much as sometimes i find my life mundane it’s cause i realized im complete. it doesnt matter how many other friends i have because at the end, they are all just part a social cycle but with darlings like eunbi, aaron, woman, my family (no matter how much i have a strong dislike to them at times, i still love them. a lot.) and other close friends who do truly care for me. nothing else really matters. you know im willing to share my heartbreaks, tears, joy, ice cream and love with you. these darlings make life worth living for.
i love you.

i’m so glad i shared so many of my very firsts moments with you lovelies.
thanks for making my world a better and more beautiful place.

EUNBI[MALIS] KIM, you’re love and more of ever a bff i can ever ask for im so grateful i’ve you

white or black
right or wrong
it all doesnt matter
when we close our eyes.

morning, darling.

iblameyou

you were my shooting star but i watched you crash and burn.
my wish flew away, left my heart and never came back.
now all that’s left is an empty void you were supposed to fill.
and i blame you.

i blame you for my loneliness
i blame you for the demise

the yearning to be near you
i do what i had to do
i had the sense to recognize that
i dont know how to let you go.

a part of me left along with you when i watched you turned and walked away.
i’ve missed you.
the beauty of the unspoken feelings, acceptance, lies and everything in between.
everything lost its sparks.
i’ll miss you.
much.
my rainbow.

Purging You Out

he didnt pick up my call.
he didnt reply my msg.
he replied me on msn.

the cowardly ways of men. i’ve decided that i will purge all of my past exboyfs’ numbers, e-mail addresses & all pictures but one for keeps’ sake. it’s just not worth the effort anymore, their immaturity burns holes into my memories as they slowly turn to ashes and get swept away by time. i still have to talk to B. & give him his present sometimes, the more i ponder about his actions (be it present or past) the more im starting to feel contempt as much as i dont want to.

the past 2 weeks i’ve been back in Spore & i finally moved back into the place even though it’s not completely constructed yet nevertheless, very gorgeous. it looks like a doll house the boxes will come in this week as well so i’ll be busy moving, shifting, unpacking, cleaning & all sorts of cheap labor work. i’ve since lost some weight that i’ve gained in Melb (YES i know. the weight i’ve gained has gone to my boobs as well, friends have said but since im losing weight again, my boobs will go along with it as well but im quasi happy with them, depending on whether you like them a mouthful or handful)

i’ve met D. (forgive me for i’ve sinned) we kissed (he kisses well, the way i like it) i dont like guilt trips.
bad habits die hard

im a shitty girlf i’ve been sexless in the city for 2 fucking weeks. i have NEVER done this for anyone and a nagging voice at the back of my head keeps adding dubious thoughts in my head about his loyalty. i figured since i already took the first step why not just fuck it/the guy? but i dont think i can handle the guilt trips & lying right to his face; he has been perhaps the best thing that happened to me in Melb. i dont wanna imagine life without him but at the same time, uncertainties take charge & everything can just be all a whirlwind of a fairytale. i dont wanna think but my head often gets the better of me. im trying. im struggling. it doesnt help that it’s all around, right in my face (or pussy), offered on a golden platter. dont think the handcuffs will work this time.

everything is of a mercurial nature now. they’re still sorta fighting and it disgusts me. it comes to almost a point where i dont even want to talk to him anymore. i acknowledge his presence and he’s still ultimately part of me whether i like it or not and yes i still do love him but it’s only based on a built-over-time “innate” responsibility and moral conscious. as far as im concerned, his inane sayings of trusting me & wanting to “sit down and have a serious talk” (as quoted) does not evade his responsibilities & lack of acceptance of me. i cant deal with family issues cause of the traditional conservatism thinking; it’s not my prerogative. Habibi is my source of comfort in this and i miss him.

perhaps someday the morning light will shine on me again

dont fucking ask me if the pic is me. it’s taken less than 6 months ago and OF COURSE IT’S ME, YOU IDIOTS. i lost count of the number of times people ask me this when they see this picture. god. and in case you’re still living in the Neanderthal period, there is such a thing as SELF TIMER.