just cause im bored as fuck.

because im really bored and have nothing else better to do, i guess this is going to be some sort of memoir of the guys i slept and almost slept with. i contemplated about using their real names.. but i cant give a fuck. besides, they can call me up all they want and yell at me but im pretty sure 90% dont have the fucking balls to do it anyways. and all abt the threats of ruining reputation crap, do you even have a reputation?!

i dont understand why i actually met him twice. TWICE. i must have been either really drunk, on drugs or brainwashed. oh wait. actually i was being nice and kind and decided to give this idiot another chance at redeeming himself, to prove that he is really not an idiot but clearly, he is. he can hardly hold a decent conversation and i could not understand what the fuck he’s saying, it’s like staring into a speaking martian and like wtf?! and he goes on and on about how he’s working for ralph lauren.. blah blah blah.. IT.. blah blah blah.. i really dont fucking care ok? i just wanna have fucking sex with you and if you want to have a conversation, please talk about existentialism, human rights, things i care about but you’re probably too shitfaced to find out and be interested in anyways. so i and him had sex. it was.. mediocre. most of the sex i had previously were mediocre anyways. what can you expect from a mind numbingly fuckwit anyways? and he goes on and on about how he “created” this sex position. ermmmm. yea right. over my dead body. and the number of girls he slept with, he told me it was like 16-18.. *rolls eyes. so the 2nd time, i got so fucking pissed off at him cause every little thing he did was moronic in my eyes so when he decided to flush the condom down the toilet which wasnt a smart idea cause the condom could have gotten stuck and clogged and what the hell was i supposed to do and explain?! i was living alone, clueless, a little naive and in shit loads of trouble. what a thoughtful guy. i ended up yelling at him, calling him fucking stupid. really, that’s it. i just yelled, told him what an idiot he was and to get the fuck out. the worst thing out of all this was he continues to msg and does that fucking annoying miss call shit (where he rings for like 3 seconds and hangs up, i’ve no clue what the fuck is his problem. he is definitely not broke so what’s his point?) me over the period of 9 months EVEN when i moved to aus. i msged him back once to fuck off and does he really have nothing to do but to spam me with useless msgs? does he really have thaaaat many free msgs?!!? and his reply was, “yes, i’ve 2000 msgs. so what’re you doin baby?” O.M.F.G. (13)

Lesson Learned: it’s a waste to give another chance to idiots or any guys really and dont get any more involved with guys who cant even hold a decent conversation cause clearly he has no fucking clue what he’s talking about therefore, he will have no fucking clue what he is going to do in bed. sooo if his name is chester and he’s like half spanish or philio or something. avoid at ALL cost.

lonely

im so bummed out right now. it’s unbelievable. it’s so so close to how i felt when i moved from pp. sometimes, just sometimes, it still makes me cry a lot cause it just reminds me of how i had no friends, nothing to look forward for in a day. everything was meaningless. im not embarrassed to cry in front of anyone but i hate it. cause noone will ever just hold me and let me cry. they just gawk awkwardly and not know what to say. it just feels like that right now, heading home and just looking forward to be alone so i can just cry and be so tired from it and fall asleep.

im turning 20 so soon and i realized i’ve done nothing. i’ve made little friends here. i’ve done no shit for uni. im no better than mediocrity.

i feel like i’ve once again, having nothing to look forward for in life anymore.

i hate being alone. it kills me.

over the year

over the past year or so, i think i have learned a lot more, definitely have a more stable outlook on life and established vague directions of my life despite my not so subtle addiction to having dysfunctional relationships and getting myself into trouble.

i turned away to love in the sense, im still very much trying to learn how to love. im very, very, very selfish, esp when situations present themselves in forms of either allowing myself to get hurt or someone else. i dont have much threshold for pain. i envision someone to cater to each of my every needs after realizing people are really rotten right from their core after all. i still believe that people can be “good” due to societal expectations but ultimately, i know we all are rude, selfish and mean creatures.

over the year, really since i started living alone, i learned that

• people are cowards. they usually dont confront and choose the easy way out by just ignoring you and the problem.
• people are AWESOME liars.
• people are extremely juvenile. girls are always in competition with each other, constantly bitch about me JUST BECAUSE i can be both friends with guys and have sex with them. they have a problem with me not having a problem. seriously, do you have to bitch about me to everyone and make them hate me when im clearly nice to you?
• the world is ugly. altruism do not exist in society; people somehow wouldnt lend you their cellphone to make one phone call when your phone is fucked. people death stare you when they are the one who knocked you.
• people have to give their opinion on everything even when it’s clearly obvious to everyone. YES, i actually do know my place is super duper messy. are you amazed?
• people dont get sarcasm.
• sometimes, people really surprise you; guys are actually a lot more sweeter than girls.
• there is a lot lesser better kissers than i thought.
• older guys really do get you; no pressure, better sex, no drama, no stupid childish feelings/games, nicer, we know what we want and no bullshit.
• guys can have extra, extra, EXTRA foreskin.
• nearly everyone cheats. seriously, girls. take care of yourself.
• to enjoy the smallest things, like walking, taking in the environment, holding hands, just being with someone, breathing (esp when you have a cold, i hate being unable to breathe comfortably)…
• when in anger, do not just delete and banish everything of a person, take revenge. i really should have poured beer all over their fucking computer, speakers, threw out their clothes and trash their place. i really, really, really regret not doing it.
• people really dont care, friends are not friends. they dont make any fucking effort to keep in touch with you, ask you out even when you tried a zillion times.
• people are still socially inept; even at uni, the tute can go deadly silent when the tutor ask a question. i’d definitely love to answer but since i skip all my lects, i really have no clue what’s going on.
• dont have pre-assumptions about experiences or things that you’ve never done before, cause honestly. you’ve no idea until you’ve done it
• people are disgusting. they pick their noses in public, show extreme ass cracks, dress like a cheap old whore from asia, etc.. what happened to public courtesy? oh wait, i forgot. we’re all rude, selfish assholes.
• S’pore’s standard of English is really, really, really bad. It’s really not that hard!
• i think, therefore i am. it really works

do you know where your heart is?

do you think you can find it?
or did you trade it for something?

i think i function better in dysfunctional relationships and situations. i think it’s possible to love and cheat at the same time. i dont put away the possibility of him cheating and even if he did, he would most definitely lie his way through and get out of it. being in a completely monogamous relationship is sometimes so soul-numbing. i never understand the whole concept of love and its explosion and finding meaning in yourself thing. i mean, why cant you have the best of both worlds? be in a relationship where love does exist and yet, you can go out and fuck around senselessly. yes, you would get hurt, you will cry but isnt that what a lot people always say that’s what they want? the freedom of being able to do whatever you want without someone else holding you down but at the same time, you know you’re grounded with your significant other. i dont think mr b will like this much if he reads it but.. i AM in love with him. it’s just.. sometimes, it’s just so much work.. people will never reciprocate the way you want them to, even when you told them how to. we are all creatures of habits.

it’s ok to care. he was looking through my msgs and asked who andrew is, he’s just this guy working in the navy i met while getting caught in the rain, waiting to go clubbing etc. etc. i dont really care much of him looking through my msgs. if it reassures him of my loyalty or infidelity, it doesnt matter. im just being so negative. everything would be alright again when i see him~~ maybe it’s the lack of work, maybe it’s his work stress, maybe it’s the morning, maybe it’s small pieces of glass put together or maybe it’s nothing at all.

it all doesnt matter

cause im not going anywhere.

(i only wanted to begin..)

the way you look tonight

last night.

#1 called me while mr b was with me. i didnt remember or recognize his voice. we talked a little, caught up a little. mr b got jealous. we got into a fight but it was all ok at the end, i think.

sometimes, i think i just need to hang out with someone who would just leave me alone and not care BUT at the same time, i need all the attention i can get and i HAVE to have all his attention or i’ll get annoyed.

i miss the myriad of attention.
i miss being able to have someone to run to, cuddle and be loved and at the same time, just roam around and have fun.

i think i need to sleep.